Introspection

I have always been a loner in life since I could never speak up and offer my views. This can be attributed to the fear of ridicule and feeling of worthlessness. The only people who really do hear what I think are the ones I feel I am close to. My closeness with people is inversely related to how courteously i behave with them. I still cannot understand my inability to mingle with a group easily. It’s more like the members of the group just put up with me. The thought that people find it hard to approach me for anything is ironically amusing to me since I am as human as they are. But then the qualities such as courteousness and speaking etiquette are found missing and I come across as a git who knows no manners and has a mouth bigger than his brain. People around me consider almost everything I feel is normal to do odd and weird and it’s so hard to believe why no one can believe things that I say and believe in.

Retrospection

Its been something that’s been lingering in my mind for several months now and its like a cancer slowly growing within. The only times I am able to forget these thoughts are when I am having fun and since those times have drastically reduced now, I keep pondering about my life and what I have learnt so far. I hope I can ward off some of the fear by writing this.

So far in life I have always had short-term goals and keep pushing myself to do stuff which others consider normal routine. The goals I set have been as trivial as getting a new pair of slippers to larger ones like going on a bike ride along ECR. I can say that without setting goals I would not have even cleared any of my exams so far. This is maybe because I keep wondering what the purpose of my life is. So far I still haven’t been able to figure it out. My behaviour and attitude are deemed weird, cranky, unethical, uncouth and rude by everyone around me and neither can I respect others nor can I keep my mouth shut in front of others. The words “Don’t care” is something I can be associated with easily because everyone I talk to would surely have heard me using these words often. I have not been able to sustain a steady friendship with anyone beyond a couple of years and cannot name even a single girl who might consider me worth talking to beyond the formal courtesies. My interactions with people around me always angers or irritates them and my words are passed off as not worth listening to let alone consider my line of thought. My idea of things around me never ever matches the way that others may think about with it and hence I tend to stick out everywhere. The most disturbing thoughts however are how I have simply wasted the first 20 years of my life. Wasted is the apt word here since I can say nothing to justify how I have spent these 20 years. Beyond schooling and 2 yrs of college there’s been little in my life. I didn’t learn an instrument or played any sport consistently. I neither participated a lot in stage activities nor was I a top-notch student. Heck I could not even get a college seat on my own. Fitness levels are far below average and I can’t follow any rules that are to be. Even the phrase “Jack of all trades” isn’t applicable since I could never concentrate on any activity to get so far. I have continuously been taking but not contributed anything so far. Right now I have run out of goals to set for myself and work towards so.…